Posted by: Rob | June 11, 2008

Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

A buddy sent me this by e-mail the other day. Couldn’t find any original author or credit on the ‘net, but did find it has been reproduced broadly. Still, I hadn’t seen it before and I have an appreciation for this type of Carlin-esque satire.

Without further ado, here is Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen (note: some words have been North Americanized from the British version of English):

1- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

2 – The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3 – The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4 – Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

5 – Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6 – Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7 – Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

8 – Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9 – If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10 – Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11 – If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

12 – Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13 – Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14 – If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15 – Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windshield.

16 – Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17 – Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18 – The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19 – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20 – There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21 – Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.

22 – Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

24 – When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our ass. From there on in, life gets worse.

25 – The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

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Responses

  1. i’m still snorting at “Maharishi Phucknuckel”. Shame i’ve been neutered. Phucknuckel would be a smashing good middle name for another kid!

  2. @ daisyfae: With “Finley” as a first name? 😎

  3. I like number 15 🙂


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