Posted by: Rob | June 25, 2009

Ask the Blogger – Answers Part Four – THE SOCKS QUESTION

Today is the fourth instalment of my answers in response to “Ask the Blogger”.

Today’s question(s) were asked by Sassy Miss P (Sassy Miss P used to have a blog, but no longer.): Where do you think socks go? And why never in pairs?

Well, the quantum theory of socks recently published on Ærchie’s Archive notwithstanding, I will provide the definitive theory of Rob on the inter-dimensional, extra-relationship activities of the seemingly innocuous appearing life form known on earth as socks.

Firstly, it must be appreciated that Douglas Adams was not correct in his assertion that dolphins are at the top of the intelligence pyramid on earth. That honour goes to none other than – yes, you guessed it – socks.

Socks live lives of quiet desperation (where have I heard that before?) here on earth. Assuming the lowliest of lowly positions, allowing themselves to be placed weekly, sometimes daily, over the smelliest and, in some cases, ugliest appendages belonging to human beings. Yes, I’m talking about feet.

As a digression, those socks who are elevated to the role of “sock puppet” truly are blessed in the world of socks.

Not only do socks have to contend with being in close proximity to human feet, but they also spend an inordinate amount of time stuffed into various forms and styles of footwear. From athletic shoes, to work shoes and boots, to dress shoes and, in that greatest of fashion faux pas, men’s sandals. The assignment is drudgery and definitely not one for a claustrophobic sock. Tight quarters, little air to breathe, and, most gross of all, foot sweat.

So, if that were a description of your life, wouldn’t you feel that you deserved – nay, needed – a little break now and then?

Well, most socks do and that is why socks have mastered the ability of inter-dimensional travel. They can, essentially, will themselves out of our dimension and into another dimension where they, socks, rule the universe.

Stephen King, the writer, stumbled onto this concept recently and clumsily tried to describe it in his novel Lisey’s Story. He ascribed the ability, however, to humans which is, in my humble opinion, a grave mistake. Humans would never be capable of such a transcendent quality.

In the novel, one of the main characters, a dead author himself, named Scott Landon, was able to transport himself to a place he called Booya Moon. It is a place similar to this to which the socks of our world take themselves when they are in need of respite from the boots and shoes of the humankind of earth.

Socks, intelligent and gifted as they are, are all born with a common personality quirk. Some would call it a flaw or a defect, depending, of course, upon their very human viewpoint. Because there are other humans who would consider this quirk simply normal.

The quirk is, naturally, an inability to remain monogamous. Socks are biologically programmed to seek out a mate and partner who is, in all aspects, identical to themselves. This is a necessary survival feature as well, as it enables socks to blend, when in pairs, into the human environment where they serve on earth.

So it seems quite a contradiction, then, that socks have these diametrically opposed tendencies. But that is the reason why, when socks disappear for their routine sojourn to Booya Moon, they never go together. Typically, a sock will take off with a sock from another pair! We only know this, though, from the evidence left behind. That is, those mis-matched pairs of socks you find in your sock drawer.

While humans find the idea of mis-matched socks very annoying, well, at least some humans do, this annoyance is necessary if we are to see continuing diversity, even a growth in diversity, among the sock population. After all, we don’t want to live in a world populated strictly with white athletic socks, gray woollies, black dress socks and the like, do we? Thought not.

Eventually, once a sock has rested itself and recharged during a vacation to Booya Moon, it will make the return trip to our dimension. They will show up in the oddest of places, however. Why, just the other day I found one stuck to the inside of one of my shirts!


  1. And you said you couldn’t write fiction. Put me to shame will ya.

    • Fiction? That there’s hard core science! Like global warming and second hand smoke.

  2. Gripping! I believe a break-away faction of my socks are stuck in the chronosynclastic infundibulum!

  3. Does this mean that the ones which remain paired actually like me? I feel flattered, and will give them a wee cuddle when I get home.

  4. Well, Sassy got her thousand words. And a wonderful lot they are. Very Hitchhikers Guide of you.

  5. This is hysterical! And, who knows, it just might be accurate. So now I have the answer for anybody who asks me that age old question.

    P.S. Again, happy anniversary!

  6. Forsooth, awesome post. Loved it xx

  7. Hey, Happy Anniversary! I cannot recall having met an INTJ, though I am sure I have. Many CEO’s in the UK are ISTJ. BB (ENTJ)

  8. i take a “boys from brazil” approach… i buy my socks a dozen pair at a time. all identical short black socks. i never have to match them up. throw them out when they get holes. don’t miss them when they go missing. and replace the entire lot about once a year… or two… or whatever….

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