Posted by: Rob | December 23, 2008

Weapons of Math Instruction

Sadly, my string of non-original posts continues.

This one is a bit dated, goes back to Bush43’s 1st term administration.  Fitting, perhaps, now that term 2 is in its final days.  The context, of course, is around the whole “Weapons of Mass Destruction” subject.  (Anyone remember that famous 404 page that came up when you put the phrase “Weapons of Math Destruction” into google?)

I apologize to any non-math people who read this and don’t get any of the jokes.

Al-gebra Terrorist Arrested

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult”, Ashcroft said.

“They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle”, Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.”

President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”

Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”

Hillary, speaking in rebuttal said, “What a pair of asymptotes”.



  1. Oh how very clever ..

  2. PS: Do this quiz!
    I was Cupid:
    A total romantic, you’re always crushing on a new reindeer.

    Why You’re Naughty: You’ve caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren’t speaking to each other.

    Why You’re Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!

    Hey Parenthesis, I did do that quiz. I’m Blitzen. I see you’ve been to Uncle Keith’s place as well – my comment is there.

  3. Hey, for an artistic type, I got most of the references. At least it’s not the usual Christmas drivel.

  4. washed over with waves of angst from college math classes. you are a cruel man, awakening those memories. (okay, yeah, still funny)

  5. Dude. It’s seriously time for a new post.

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