Posted by: Rob | April 16, 2008

Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

Stumble! has brought yet another great find. Have you ever heard the talk radio show of Dr. Laura Schlessinger? Surely you must have heard it at least once. I think it’s been in syndication and broadcast ad nauseum for quite a while now. I’ll admit it; I’ve listened to her show. I thought she was a little over the top at times, although I was more troubled by the sorts of people that would call in to a talk show and ask the kinds of questions they asked or just vomited such personal information over the airwaves. It may well be that the good Dr. Laura actually helped a few people along the way. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

My brief time as a listener was chiefly because there was not much else to listen to (at least on talk radio) and for a somewhat twisted entertainment value. And, I’ll admit this too: I have seen the pictures of Dr. Laura naked when they were posted on the internet. You can call that morbid curiosity.

Well, enough back story. Last fall while I was “stumbling” around the internet, I came upon this page on the Humanists of Utah website. The page is entitled “Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?”

Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Annie thought it might be funny if we answered a few of these questions, so I’m going to take a stab at some of them and see what happens:

=====================================================================

To my faithful follower Jim:

I have answered each of your questions in point form below and thank you for asking them:

Q. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

A. You should smite them. They are probably tree-hugging eco-freak vegetarians anyways. Once you have smited (smitten? smote?) them, you are within your rights to take over their extensive gardens and turn them into pasture for your cattle.

Q. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

A. Jim, the fair price for anything is determined in the marketplace between buyers and sellers. Perhaps you could post a trial ad on ebay and see what kind of offers you get. Is she blonde and blue eyed?

Q. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

A. That’s a tough one Jim. What I do is sew a small patch of velcro onto each of my blouses and blazers. I have a mating piece of velcro attached to a diminutive red patch. When it’s “that time of the month”, I simply stick the red velcro patch onto whatever blouse or blazer I’m wearing, thereby providing a non-verbal cue to men. Perhaps this would work for the women in your life?

Q. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

A. Well, Jim. You see, Canadians are already owned. They are owned by their government and are held in a kind of bondage to pay exorbitant income taxes in exchange for their welfare state and their Cadillac social programs. Canadians have such a strong level of entitlement they’re practically ruined for ownership by Americans. (Besides, some would argue that Americans already own Canadians by proxy anyways.)

Q. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A. Not only are you morally obligated to kill him yourself, but you must do so in a public manner in front of his family and friends, thereby providing a lesson to all that the Sabbath must be held sacrosanct. No jury in the country would convict you.

Q. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

A. Ugh! Does your friend know what shellfish eat? Disgusting! Unless he’s sharing a felching gerbil with one his homosexual buddies, he is committing the greater abomination by eating shellfish. Ugh!

Q. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

A. Can you wear contact lenses instead and at least appear to be free from sight defects?

Q. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

A. Good lord! Do your male friends gather at communal bathhouses as well? I think death by stoning is appropriate. If that’s too tiring, death by hanging is an acceptable alternative.

Q. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

A. Jim, just make very sure that your gloves are not made from the hide of a dead pig also.

Q. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

A. Jim, I think what you propose sounds reasonable. Just don’t have the burning double as a cook-out. That would be in bad taste.

Your sister in faith.

=====================================================================

The original post can be found here. There’s also an adder at the bottom that states some critics have said the above was done on an episode of “The West Wing”. The original page also has a link to a YouTube clip from said episode; I’ve never watched this TV show, but from the clip it looks pretty well done.

 

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Responses

  1. Doesn’t the Bible say something about punishing women who pose nude in public? You can’t get much more public than the Internet, Dr. Laura.

  2. omg what does the bible say about women urinating in their undergarments while unabashedly guffawing at blog posts??

    Please don’t say I am to be smited (smote?). I detest smitings.

  3. I try not to have contact with women during that special time, but I think that’s just self-preservation.


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